I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
