my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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