Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
