I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
