giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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