The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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