Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Randomize
