Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
