I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please come you make the beer taste better
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
