hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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