I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
