life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
