I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
