the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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