In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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