Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
