Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
