Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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