What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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