life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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