oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
