I want to have your abortion
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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