how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
