God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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