i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
