haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
