I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He passed out mid-signature
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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