even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
