So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
