I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
