Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
