I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
