i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
