remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
tell me about the eggs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
