When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
