he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
