Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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