saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
