I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
