Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
