Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
do herpes really smell.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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