i barfeds in our rink
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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