please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
