I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
