her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
