In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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