I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You took a bar mat shot.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
