All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
