i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
