There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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